'I only lose what I think I have.' A Poem
A Poem on Romantic Love, a Breakup and Loss. Text and Audio
'I ONLY LOSE WHAT I THINK I HAVE' It started in heat of summer such passion, intimacy never such feelings before not like this, not this deep sharing, whispers, thrills, touch midnight calls, full days eros of nights, oh the nights sensations, desires, deep breaths coffee, exchanges, emails, texts, all in the name of love precious love, forever love or so they thought. In her worn-out condition she thought she lost him his fading footprints along tracks in woods where tired leaves dropped to earth, to rot next to tree, a fall from grace she thought she had lost what she thought she had.
A ring bound to finger wrapped round her life in their power struggle a supreme wish to rule to salvage their worth in heated words and long toil of emotions or so they thought. The ring slipped between cracks in old floorboards she fought for her breath when door slammed as man fled beyond her reach only his back in her sight she felt sobs, relief, failure, or so she thought. Nothing of value stayed to give comfort from storms all swept away in the intangible of what forever she had no longer except collapsed dreams tears, haphazard clouds One thing she knew stuck he left behind her ‘father’ in the shadows of her mind her made up reality hailed as a painful truth why do such thoughts arise or so she thought. She stretched her arms to touch one she had but felt only thin air, season of discontent empty echoes having to feel the unwanted yet not knowing what she wanted, so futile or so she thought. To have, possess or take a theft - one from another until fresh thought emerges snowdrops in icy chill a flash of lightning on the edge of a long, hard day 'I only lose what I think I have.' She could never have this man not even if transformed she saw his direction of travel along winding path of his stormy life journey. Flower offers fragrance until taken hold of to ensure its fading light not getting what she wants noone can, nor does she have what men want and this she realised. Curse of compound thoughts shows pointless patterns sliding into love’s loss Oh, she mistook love for fireflies in the whisper of the dark night, flickers offer momentary light she thought of as love. Does she believe in two horns on a rabbit’s head or cow flies with hidden wings? belief beggars belief she let the drama drain from her heart that once held on, until she realised love is not what she thought. He failed to deposit what he owed, no credit left in account, she had nothing to bank except her resilience preserved for chilly days she no longer plays these games he needs to find his way they were no longer together and no longer apart a relief beyond measure Her story fell among leaves to become compost when she realised. what she never had she never needed she never thought this possible. 'I cannot lose what I think I had' 'I cannot lose what I never had' such a flash of awakening dissolves her old beliefs with no exception about anyone, anything, anywhere spell gone, having - losing after he left in search of himself in a pile of leaves Nothing left to takeaway and thus she realised with a smile reaching far beyond the stars free, free, free at last love revealed itself unbound to thought profound and deep. She was ready to love.