This is a response to a question in a Q&A session at the end of a retreat in the Waldhaus Zentrum, near Koblenz, Germany. October 2026. Transcription includes additional points.
There are three primary features of everyday listening. You listen to the words or sounds of a person. Second, you hear the tone/attitude in the voice. Third, you listen inwardly to your inner voice. Thoughts may arise, which can get in the way of listening.
What emerges from what you hear? If someone’s words are pleasing, warm, thoughtful, you have an opportunity to share and reciprocate similarly. This develops love, friendship and connection. You acknowledge another person’s kind words, whatever the person talks about.
When you appreciate what you hear, it may call for a response that affirms the person. This matters. Many people doubt themselves.
Is it correct what I say?
Is it useful?
Is it interesting for the listener?
If you say, ‘I genuinely appreciated that. I hear what you’re saying. That’s valuable.” Make sure you mean it. You express confidence in the person speaking. You recognise their authority.
If, however, the person speaks argumentatively, or wants to pick a verbal fight, then never present the opposite view to their view. That’s a no-go area. Once you state the opposite view, you introduce a duality of self and other that leads to an argument. Every argument amount to a declaration: ‘I’m unwilling to listen to you.’ An argument consists of two people talking to themselves.
It takes skill to listen, remain calm and steady with an argumentative person.
Here is a proposal
Respond with a question, then another question and more. The person may go on and on. You need to prepare for that. Then you ask another question —not get into a rant. If you don’t want an argument, you don’t put forward your view, but you still have a voice.
Questioning what the other person claims becomes a practice. You’re not trying to sound superior, intellectual, or prove them wrong. You’re genuinely curious. The person may speak some more, and then some more. At some point, the argumentative person will probably start to run out of things to say. Perhaps the person does not know what to say next.
Their mind is empty. This is an important moment. Then you might ask, ‘Would you like me to respond to what you’ve said?’ Or you might say, ‘You’ve spoken for several minutes. Would you like to summarise what you’ve said, succinctly?’
After that, you might ask, ‘Do you notice any possible contradictions in the view you’ve expressed?’ That’s a strong question. Or, ‘Do you ever have any doubts about that view?’ “Are you open to looking in another way in this issue?”
If the person has a little humility, you may hear a point of doubt. Then the obvious next response is: ‘I’m genuinely interested. Would you kindly say more about what you just said?’
The person might find themselves contradicting what they said at the beginning. In every holding, every clinging to views and opinions, there’s a contradiction, a blind spot due to contraction of the mind. As the person speaks, the person may say something different, perhaps even the opposite, of their original position. Their view might soften or harden, and you can hear and feel the change. Express your appreciation for the softening of the difference and find out about the hardening of the mind.
You might briefly reflect something of what you heard - using their words. Point out any concerns. If you quote the person, ensure your words reflect exactly what you heard.
Don’t go into your own view; it’s irrelevant. It might trigger the arguement. Instead, you’ve brought interest and the power of questioning to the conversation.
You leave knowing the person tried to argue with you, but you did not argue with the person.
Then say, ‘Thank you. I’ll leave you to think about what you said. Goodbye.”
Arguments damage love, respect, relationships and meaningful communication. People stop speaking to each other because of arguments. Arguing confirms unethical and unwise behaviour. Self-righteousness dominates. Both sides think they are right.
In my view, there’s no justification for getting involved in an argument.
Find alternative ways to communicate.