Discover more from Christopher Titmuss - The Buddha Wallah
50 Quirky Text Messages from a Grandfather to his Granddaughter
She lives in the loft in Totnes, Devon, England.
Quirky means eccentric, odd, whacky, unpredictable. Here are 50 texts for a teenager, 16, living with her grandfather for more than two years. Some of the texts were sent from the kitchen up to the loft. Some parents might say “ A good idea. Why waste your breath?”
Totnes has heard you have Covid. Everybody has fled to Dartmoor. There are no cars in Denys Road (where we live). All curtains are drawn. I am wearing 10 face masks. Everybody wishes you a speedy recovery so they can come back to Totnes.
View from desk at home. Desk looks tidy - to impress you.
Jude (IT consultant) comes at 10:30 am. You might hear clinking on the stairs she is wearing a suit of armour rented from the Tower of London to protect herself from infection.
Happy to hear you are making a quick recovery. People are returning in droves.
Are you going to see at the cinema the Vampire of Broadsands (a popular beach with teenagers in nearby Paignton)?
McDenys restaurant opens at 7:00 this evening. The menu includes chicken grown in a nearby allotment.
I'm off to the Church of the Gym to lift weights up to heaven and down to earth. See you later.
Am back from the Temple of Holy Oat Latte.
What side of the high street are you on? Are you eating hither or thither at nain’s out of ten (grandmother who lives 15 minutes’ walk away)?
Is the film you and your friends going to see a film suitable for 15-year-olds and older? You might need your passport, identity card, birth certificate, confirmation of age from your doctor, dentist, head teacher and take an oath. I heard the cinema manager is strict about admissions.
Are you having dinner at home or are you fishing in the River Dart for your meal?
A parcel arrived for you today. I couldn't hear anything except a ticking clock, Do I have any reason to feel concerned?
Your room is getting close to being edgy.
Are you going to watch rugby? Or are you in the scrum? The players really enjoy giving each other a big hug in the scrum. They squeeze so close. It is very touching. That's why they play rugby.
Your mum was thrilled with your clothes organisation in her bedroom. She spends so much time taking care of the family, other families and individuals. She has little time for such tidying and organising tasks. Your efforts to neatly arrange all of her clothing were helpful. Well done.
Remember to clean up your room before you go out as the weekly task. See if you can get it near to a room in the Premier Inn style as you can.
I plan to give the bathroom a thorough clean with natural detergents. You will need to put your sunglasses on as the bathroom will be shining bright.
It's pouring with rain. Are you rowing back home for dinner this evening?
I saw two people using sign language in Totnes high street. Beautiful to see. I only know two expressions of sign language - thumbs up and a sharp pointing up of the middle finger. I find it a rather limited form of communication.
You have a dentist for 28th of November. Do you want me to sit in the chair beside you and stroke the back of your hand? Would you find it embarrassing?
The loft awaits your mindful act to create harmony and order out of the chaos.
School exams coming soon. It can be hard to understand an exam question. If so, read very slowly, even mouth the words. Your answer needs to include keywords in the question as often as possible. Read your answer slowly. Make sure you answer all the questions. Make sure every sentence is easy to read. The examiner will appreciate your efforts to answer.
Ah, the dentist has provided you with the braces for your teeth. Just to let you know, I am in solidarity with you. I have started wearing braces to hold up my trousers.
So you are going to Torquay this evening to get your piercing checked out for the stomach ring. Remember to check out your maths at school.
You said you want to go to a party tomorrow evening. Can I come? If it's a fancy-dress party, do you have any clothes I can borrow? Enjoy the party – join any party except the Conservative Party.
Thank you for tidying up your loft. I had a sweet surprise. Before the floor in your room was covered in clothes. I could not remember if the floor was carpet or floorboards.
Have you thought of becoming a journalist? English, religion and media studies would support such a career.
I read the government is passing a law that you must be 18 to get married. Between 16-18, you need parental consent. Given the state of many divorces, the government should pass a law that a parent requires the consent of their children before they remarry.
Try not to sing to any of your teachers “Teacher, teacher you're just another brick in the wall." Teachers feel insecure when they hear this song - words from a great song by Pink Floyd and much loved by granddad, who happens to be a teacher.
Nshorna said a beautiful woman will attend my one-day workshop at your mum’s centre. I saw the woman. She looks like you. She could be your surrogate mother. Perhaps Nshorna had a pillow under her dress for several months before you were born.
I assume you and your friends at KEVICS (her comprehensive school in Totnes) are grateful to the school since it allows parole for all pupils every weekend.
You said you are planning to go on a school trip. Was the trip to New Zealand or Newton Abbott (nearby town)?
What time will the Angel of the Loft fly home?
Nshorna and I are now professionally certified to teach a mindfulness teacher training course. You can now address us as Madam and Sir instead of mum and grandad.
Your mum and I are delighted that you are not intimidated by authority in school. A teenager needs to have the opportunity to make a responsible decision about the best class for learning. You are a credit to yourself and your family.
A friend and I were having a chai here when you walked through the back door. Phil said to me: “She looks a happy, young woman.” I agreed.
Remember examiners can only give marks when they see something to mark.
Maths has much significance for statistics, carpentry and banking. People like you and me have the calculator. Why is there all this political fuss about studying maths until the age of 18.
It is more important to know yourself than know all the answers in the GCSEs.
Is it true your absolute favourite moment at school is when the last class finishes on a Friday afternoon? Is it true it is an unsurpassable moment?
Spring is here. So please spring clean your room before winter.
Others may put pressure on you to say more. Say little. Keep your peace. You do not want to say anything you regret.
Dinner is cooking. I dropped in the frying pan a few magic mushrooms – they will give you a natural high for your exams. These organic mushrooms were grown wild on Dartmoor.
I assume you are keeping your eye on your braces for your upper teeth. You would not want your lower teeth to end up two centimetres in front of your upper teeth.
Congratulations that Churston Grammar School (Torquay) offered you a place after seeing your GCSE results. It is one of the top grammar schools in Devon. Am happy you will go to Kennicot (6th form college in Totnes). It is 20-minute walk rather than taking two buses to to Churston.
A Palestinian activist/journalist comes to stay for a couple of days next week. I want you to meet her.
Thanks for asking about unhealthy food. You could start with avoiding bacon, meat sausages, Coca-Cola, crisps, sweets etc. Regard home as essentially a healthy food zone.
Good to hear you and other students in the 6th Form College are being treated as young adults.
A rumour went around the town that one of the teachers in Totnes died. It was fake news. He turned up for the start of the new term. I said it could be true. Perhaps, he died and rose from the dead. The Second Coming is more likely to take place in Totnes than anywhere else I know.
Remember your weekend course in Room Management before you go to say with nain for the weekend.
Paddington train to Titnes just about to leave. Titnes is close to Totnes.
Previous Collection of Quirky Texts between July 2021 and July 2022.