11 Questions on Fear. From 60 minutes Zoom sessions. Title: Fear is not what you think it is.
with Christopher. Sangha Live hosts.
I gave from Monday 12 to Friday 16 February (2024) five 60-minute sessions on Zoom on the theme Fear is not What You Think it is.
Sangha Live organised the sessions
Monday 12 February. Impact of Memory on Fear
Tuesday 13 February. Fear Means Contraction, not challenging body sensations
Wednesday 14 February. Social Fear. Fear of Disapproval. Fear of Speaking Upo
Thursday 15 Febrary. Recognising the Expansive. Dissolving the Contracted
Friday 16 February. Knowing the Emptiness of Fear.
To see recordings of above, go to
Participants placed Questions in the Chat column. You will see 11 questions below on the theme of fear, which were not answered in the Chat column.
Transcription has been edited and adapted for readability. Please note that most questions emerge from themes in the 25-30 minute daily talks and guided meditations exploring issues around fear.
11 Questions on Fear copied from Zoom Chat Column
Question 1. I always tend towards fear. Any suggestions?
CT. The first response is to drop the word always, as it is a generalisation, which doesn't carry truth. So, more precisely, “At times, I experience fear.” The fear arises in certain areas. There may be plenty of them. Drop the use of the word fear. Thinking in this way, colours perception and contributes to a distorted view. Describe your experience, which you call fear, in another way. Use some fresh words regarding fear such as unpleasant sensations in the body. These are unpleasant sensations. Do not be in a rush to judge them as a confirmation of fear. You can still respond clearly to situations. Ask yourself, What is a fresh way of looking? Apply that fresh way of looking. This will help to change your whole view because you are uncovering, expanding and exploring new ways to look at contracted views of situations.
Question 2. I see fear being connected with identity. What is your response?
CT. You make a good point. In English, see the the word identity as syllables Id - entity. I make an entity of. A major identity would be the nation state with its mind made borders. When a fear or threat from another nation arises, real or imagined, the mind contracts. The government says, “We have to do something. The country goes to war out of fear they will attack us There is fear of loss. You identify with a role - the worker, partner, son, daughter and more. Fear and identity go close together. Be as clear as possible about the areas where you feel strongly identified. You may notice you experience contraction. Again, quietly explore a fresh way of looking at the situation.
Question 3. Did you say seeking pleasure leads to fear? Can you say more?
CT. Yes, I did. Remember I am not talking in absolute terms, not talking always but pleasure easily leads to fear. We get pleasure from getting what we want. You might have put a lot of time, energy, money, effort into getting what you want - a house, a car, a relationship and more. What happens if you lose your job? Interest rates go up on your mortgage. You felt for years much pleasure in own your own home. You experienced a real chemistry since the first time you viewed that flat or house. You fear to lose your home. You can’t pay the mortgage. You fear damage to your car or your fear your marriage will break up. Your grandmother gave you a beautiful ring. It's been in the family for three or four generations. You'd love to wear it but you hesitate, fearing you might lose it and suffer owing to the sentimental worth projected onto the ring through generations. Be mindful of areas where you experience pleasure. See if there's any fear if your area of pleasure changes - if you break it, if you lose it or whatever.
Question 4. My fear is fear of not doing everything I want to do. Consequently, I try to do many things and have to have so many balls in the air that I get to drop many. I want to be able to give my full attention to one thing at a time without distraction How may I switch off my disjunctive tendency?
CT. There is some degree of self recognition of your state of mind. “I want to try to do too many things. I have so many balls in the air. I dropped many of them.” Your question provides the answer. You need to reflect. Name the balls. How many different things are you juggling in your life? Is this a desire to get pleasure, insight/understanding or satisfaction/contentment from too many areas. You drop many of them bringing disappointment. Yet, you still keep on trying. Write down your interests. Know what has genuine value - useful for you, useful for others and useful for our world. Give full attention to your day. Develop a relationship, not so much one thing at a time, but your day. Give attention to brushing your teeth, preparing food, making beneficial phone calls, and a worthwhile creative endeavour. Switch off your mobile phone for hours. See it as a distractive tendency. Do not use the mobile phone to pursue pleasure What balls do you need to renounce, let go of. What balls are you not going to pick up again? What balls have genuine value. Make wise choices. Yes, I can handle that. I can apply the interest, develop the focus and concentration upon. I'm not distracting myself. I’m not getting lost in social media, nor trying to do too many things. Letting go of a number of balls frees up the mind up to focus on priorities.
Question 5. I have a post vital condition and live in fear of provoking relapse. Can you advise on unhooking from this in a safe way?
CT. This fear of the present situation continuing into the future is a common fear. Some will give you a simplistic answer. Live in the present moment. I doubt if the mind will obey such a desire, no manner how much effort goes into being in the here and now. It certainly will not conform for any lengthy period of time. You experience a contraction, resistance, a holding onto the fear around the vital condition. The vital condition does not cause your holding onto it. You placed a pressure on it and want to control it. This brings about fear it will get worse. Do you have life outside the vital condition? When do you know the vital condition has no relevance. Did the vital condition stop you from writing the question in the chat column or listening to my response? Does it block the current communication? You listen to a piece of music, watch something on YouTube, appreciate the new day, take a walk or whatever. What are the areas where the vital condition does not impose itself? These areas need to be recognised. That means you are finding space around the vital condition until you explore, relax and start dissolving the fear. The vital condition does affect you. Yes, it is an issue and worthy of attention It is also worthy of non-attention when it is not getting in the way of your senses, your power of reflection, mindfulness or meditation. There is an unhooking through an expansion of knowing areas of challenge and areas of irrelevancy. Vital condition is a feature of your life, just as your hand is a limb in the whole body. You appreciate that it's there, but you appreciate all the other physical features as well. Take care with the hand. Stay connected with the vital condition without projecting fears on it which exaggerates its importance. Recognises life outside of the vital condition to know an expensive view. That is unhooking in a safe way. Calmly listen to influences. Explore ways to dissolve the contraction fear – breathing, mindfulness, reflection, sharing.
Question 6. I have an issue with anger. What needs to change? Is there fear in anger? What is your response?
CT. Some meditation teachers and others say: “Anger is not problematic. They regard it as a useful sign to see what's going wrong. The word anger has different meanings in its use in the Dharma and in the West. Western use of the word anger certainly can mean something problematic. Anger can land on somebody else. We may not know how sensitive person is. Our angry voice can traumatise adults and children. They feel hurt, wounded and rejected. The word anger also means in the West we experience a strong passion about an issue - a government decides to go to war. “This makes me so angry.” This does not mean you have the desire to harm, humiliate and traumatise people in the government. The anger will not grow into a violent reaction. It doesn't have to be an unresolved personal problem under the influence of the past. Anger states “I really feel passionate about this issue. Such passion for change might lead to a worthwhile action to initiate change. Passion is a resource towards resolving problems.” There is enough anger in the world, enough violence and its justification. So I prefer the language of the Buddha-Dharma. Anger in the Dharma means it has a single meaning - a problem, a reaction because of old images, patterns, tendencies and images. Such anger acts as a shadow over the present. Know the difference between anger as a problem inhibiting clarity and passion, sharp criticism, strong concern and a critique. Unresolved personal problems feeding into situations make our reaction, not healthy nor helpful. The Buddha used the analogy of an arrow. Sometimes, the arrow pierces the body. A second arrow feeds into unresolved problems when we get angry, desiring revenge. The reaction will not support a wise response.
Question 7. Is mindfulness the main key to breaking the habit of contraction. I fear a habit I have developed since developing a chronic illness?
CT. No. The answer is mindfulness is not the main key. There is no main key. The answer is exploration and experiment. See through your own experience. There is an illness. Be careful with the words chronic. It gets an emotional investment. You might feel you are absolutely right to use chronic. You might be building up fear and anxiety through frequent use of the word. “I can't handle it. It's chronic.” That gives you the feeling and view of being overwhelmed bringing about greater fear and more despair. Never underestimate the power of description. A frequent use of the same language can become a problem, not a description. The same applies with fear. Reflection, meditation, sharing, talking with another, writing some fresh ideas can expand the view. Explore areas where you are not contracted. Ask the right questions to soften holding on to this fear. Keep exploring in fresh ways. You will begin to emerge out of the habit of fear. Remember, it's a practice, a precious one.
Question 8. I feel a fear of being controlled by others, which impacts my freedoms in relationships. Can you talk about that? Perhaps offer a different view of the situation.
Yes. We have a relationship with friend, colleague, partner, parents, children, influential voices and more. You experience fear of being controlled. The impact of the other person(s) seems to set limits on your life. One has to know the other person. There are people, actual, factual, who do exert a controlling tendency. They can trigger the fear. There are some people who don't, but the fear still comes up. Is it a fear of closeness, a fear of intimacy, a feeling of living in the spell of the other? Do you feel to be in the grip of the other? If possible, start a useful dialogue and communication. Don't keep your fears to yourself. The opportunity to speak needs to be in the right time and location. Be well prepared. Let the other person know of this fear. Be open with it. Tell them what situations trigger the fear. If they tell you, you should do something, explain you feel you're being under their control, especially if the person behaves in an aggressive way. When they put pressure on you, you are more vulnerable. Can they speak to you with a tone of invitation? Watch inside of oneself. Be mindful. You could start doing the same thing - trying to control the other. If the person has your best interest in their heart, you will understand their tone and manner. This will bring the best out of you and this will reduce the fear. Both of you working together on this with clarity about that when the person sounds like trying to control you. This person displays a reactive mood. This is what's going on in their mind. You don't have to take it personally.
Question 9. Any suggestion about fear of death?
I mentioned in one of our sessions this week of the analogy of the tree and its branches. There is the trunk and root of the tree. People say, “Oh, I've got so many fears. I really fear death.” The branches, big and small, are all the kinds of fear. We need to recognise one fear giving rise to different expressions.
Holding on to life brings fear of death. Not finding fulfilment in life brings fear of death. Thinking about the future under the pressure of fear increases fear. Some people are afraid of death because they feel they haven't lived. So they want to live longer to experience more of life. They have not developed a sense that life and death go together. They are inseparable events. We can find fulfillment, so that when we come to the end of life, we feel death fulfills life. You don't need to hold on to life. Stay awake. Develop your connections with life. Experience all your senses, explore them. It doesn't matter what comes to your senses. This does not mean you pursue pleasure. You become receptive to what comes to the senses rather than being caught up with wanting pleasurable sensations. Life not a picnic but a changing process evolving from one situation to the this to the next, a process. You will experience more fear of death if you're habitual. Break out of habits, engage with in life to enliven it. You might think, “Oh, if I'm really become happier, I’ll fear death even more, because I feel I'm going to lose life.” No. It doesn't work like that. A happy life brings nourishment. You are fully engaged with life inwardly and outwardly. It's fulfilling. Look at the big picture: birth, living, death, arising, staying, passing. This is is the complete package, so to speak, on conventional experience. Explore all of that, then death will have much less terror. Be grateful to live this life. Say “Thank You” at the end of your life. Namaste. Goodbye to life.
Question 10. You said you're not a Buddhist. Can you say more about your thinking on this? How is it you are a teacher of the Buddha Dharma and yet you don't describe yourself as a Buddhist.
Some teachers of the Buddha-Dharma do describe themselves as Buddhists. What I have in mind is simple. My mother, a devout Roman Catholic, brought me up in the same faith. I would tell her, partly seriously, “You are more a Roman Catholic than the Pope.” After three years travelling on the road, a hippy way of life, I became what people refer to as a Buddhist monk. Both my teachers, Ajahn Dhammadharo and Ajahn Buddhadasa in Thailand, spoke regularly that nothing at all is worth being identified with. I did not want to drop one identity I am a Roman Catholic, and then take up another identity called I am a Buddhist. Some of us prefer minimal use of identity. I have no wish to be identified as an Englishman, even though I look like one, dress like one and speak like one. That doesn't make me I one. I do not want to be boxed in with that identity. Mindfulness of freedom from identity as a Buddhist serves as a convenience as well. People ask me regularly “Why do Buddhists believe this? What do Buddhists say about this? I have a lovely and easy way out. “Why ask me? I am not a Buddhist. Ask a Buddhist what their view is. With the diversity of views in Buddhism, you can get many kinds of responses.” I have a great love of the Buddha-Dharma tradition. I am a servant of the Dharma with no wish, nor need to be identified as a Buddhist. Other teachers and practitioners use that label, many without any attachment, holding or clinging. I regularly get invited to speak to groups. The host might say. “This is Christopher Titmuss, a Buddhist, who will speak to us on….…….” I am comfortable if the word Buddhist is used but prefer not to use it myself.
Question 11. There is the fear of losing someone we love. Kids, for instance. What is a wise response? What should we do with this fear?
There is a common misunderstanding. We say: “I love my kids so much. This makes me really afraid that something might happen to them in this painful and difficult world. I couldn’t bear if I lost any of my children, I know it happens to some parents. I am sometimes I'm really afraid for my kids. This fear arises because I love them so much.” Fear does not arise because you love them so much. This is a problematic viewpoint. Love is not the problem. Fear forces love into the background. Fear of loss increases. When fear increases, you exert more control and pressure over your children. If you place more desire to control the children out of fear, you will have a rebellion on your hands. Your children may engage in activities unwise, unhealthy, partly as a reaction to your controlling tendency born of fear. It's not a workable situation, in my view. Love the children. You asked a great question. What is a wise response? Your question is your answer. Practice living without fear, not resorting to control. Share your concerns. Give guidance, Only use from time to time the firm voice when it is necessary. Make sure your love takes priority, not fear, when you communicate with your kids. Fear corrupts love. That’s a challenge to make love the priority. Love will show in your voice and in what you do. It will show not only in in the language but in the tone of voice. For example, parents will often shout at their children to get out bed to go to school in the morning. Anger arises because they fear the kids will be late for school. Shouting at the kids at the beginning of the day confirms control and pressure on them. Do this everyday and your kids will get resentful. It's not the kids fault they can’t find their clothes, books and homework. It is your fault. You are the parent. You can't expect children to be neat, tidy and organised before they go to bed. That's your job. You ensure the clothes are ready for them to dress, ensure the books, pens, compass are in their satchel. Don't blame the kids for not being ready. Look with love and responsibility in relationship to the children. You are an adult needing to act wisely. When you wish to change something in their behaviour, please don’t be a fascist dictator and order them to behave in a certain way. Explain lovingly the benefits. Talk to them. All ages recognise love. It doesn’t matter if the child is one-year-old, two-year-old or a teenager. Use your voice with calmness and be mindful of use of words in your guidance or setting limits. This approach will give you confidence and your children will trust you. You know you are doing the best you can in this challenging world. The kids will know too. Wisdom will come into the exchanges.
Enough for today.
Thank you very much for lending an ear. Thank you to Sangha Live for hosting the event and to Jorge, our guardian angel, for his presence during the daily sessions.
Lots of love. Bye for now.
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